Blog

How am I doing?

It’s Monday morning, it’s been a rough weekend with a sick child, school activities and your diary for the week ahead looks messy to say the least. As you walk to your favourite coffee spot and muster up the energy to face reality, you bump into someone you know, as you place your order for your regular latte.“How are you doing?”you ask as you patiently wait to pay. You listen somewhat (in)attentively and exchange niceties, as you both wait to get on your way. While by this time of the day, you may have some semblance of an idea of how your friend is, have you checked in on how you are? 

Why is it that we find it easier, even if it may be mechanical, to check in on others and  not be able to check in on ourselves? Perhaps we don’t know how to, and have never been taught? Often times taking care of one-self is construed as being self-ish or that it’s a form of self pity or a sign of weakness. Perhaps we may not even believe that we are not worthy of our own care, that are others are, and that their needs are more important than our own. We may also believe that we would not be able to deal with the emotions that come up if we do attempt to check in? Yet, how can we be there for others if we are not there for ourselves first? 

As you grab the coffee from the barrister, and make your way towards your calendar, you may have a sense of anxiety bubbling under, a concern about your child or a relationship matter that is a slow and steady leak on your internal energy resources. You go through the motions of getting stuff done, without acknowledging the drain, without seeing it, without making any attempt to solve the leak, and you end the day feeling tired and disconnected. In the paraphrased words of Jon-Kabat-Zinn, MIT professor and a pioneer who brought mindfulness into the West, it’s like we are living in a dream-like state. Never fully present to ourselves, let alone our work, our children and the things that matter most to us. 

Waking up to the world, to the life that we have, the only one life, means waking up to ourselves first. To check in on how we are, in the moment. This “waking-up” can catalyse whatever pain or angst we may be experiencing. This is not a complex process, you don’t need to read a book or go on a course or consult with anyone else. You can experience this moment of presence, of care and the seed of compassion right in this very moment as you sit here reading this blog. 

Here’s a simple practice: 

1. Ask “How am I right now?” (You could do this walking to the coffee shop)

2. What emotions are here? (Answer in this way: XXX emotion is here. For example you may answer as “Anxiety is here, in this moment”

3. What sensations are here in my body? (You could answer: “My shoulders are tense, my heart feels faster than normal”) 

4. Soften your stance, feel into your heart and with great care, allow whatever is here to be here. Give your anxiety and your tense shoulders space to be here. 

5. Ask: “What do I need right now?” You may need nothing more as you complete this check in. You may have just needed that acknowledgement and checking in. You may need a short walk or a glass of water, or something else.

So, set a reminder to check in with yourself a few times a day. You could use your coffee break, or walk to the bathroom as a simple practical reminder, or you can set one up on your phone. 

Acknowledging our own thoughts, feelings and emotions is the birthplace of self awareness, self-leadership and for deeply caring about others. The next time you bump into yourself making coffee, ask “How am I right now”. You may be surprised at how this simple practice can change your day, if not your life. 

Why boundaries are about saying YES!

What happens when you hear the word boundary? Most people feel a sense of contraction. A feeling of resistance. We feel that a boundary means “no”. Because we wish to be liked, and to please others, setting boundaries can feel like we are pushing others away, and that we are being selfish. 

Take a look at some of the questions below and see if some resonate:

Do you struggle with a particular relationship, and have resentment towards an individual/s?

Do you procrastinate and have a mental chatter about getting stuff done, and are just not able to prioritise? 

Are you not able to find time to achieve what’s important to you? 

Is there a creep on your day and energy where you feel a sense of “blah” (a term coined by Adam Grant) and a sense of stuck-ness  and stagnation?

While these questions may seem unrelated, there is a golden thread linking these questions. That thread is clarity. Clarity about your values and how you fiercely defend them! When you are unclear for yourself about what’s important to you, your mental and emotional boundaries become even more hazy for those around you. And this shows up in your thoughts, actions and relationships.

So effective mental boundary management is not so much about saying no to others, and is it is about saying yes to yourself. This starts with knowing what you want and need to flourish and thrive – your goals and aspirations for your best life possible. Betsy Jacobson said that “Balance is not better time management, but better boundary management. Balance means making choices and enjoying those choices.”

Here are some questions for reflection on how to gain mental clarity and setting boundaries. 

What I want is …………..? (write down your personal goals)

This is important to me because….. (this is the why – your purpose and possibly values too)

I will say yes to this by managing my time and energy in the following way….(this is the action that you will take e.g scheduling exercise, waking up early to study etc)

I will communicate this to those around me in the following way….(who do I need to support me, understand, have buy-in)

Now, for the the messy “emotional” boundary setting. This is often the nucleus of mental anguish, fatigue, burnout and relationship turmoil. If left unchecked, it can be destroy relationships and sap emotional energy. Chances are there have been many times have you found yourself re-hashing an issue or a conversation with or about someone in your head? Most times repeatedly involving imagining the worst. 

Now, check in with this question. 

Which value (something that you hold close to your heart), has been violated or compromised? 

Perhaps clarity on roles, or rules, or expectations? Most times resentment in a relationship is because an unsaid “line has been crossed” and this leaves one feeling exposed, exploited, unheard or somehow violated. Let’s explore some actions that we can take to create emotional clarity and space: 

Giving Voice 

It is often the unsaid rules, roles and expectations that leave us feeling resentful. Giving voice to this so that we feel seen and heard, can end relentless self persecution.  What is the kindest way that you can communicate your values  – kind to you, and the other. 

Inviting Respect 

One of the most profound quotes that resonated with me around this topic is that “a lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect”. To start, a lack of clarity about myself is a lack of respect for myself. When I am clear to me, I can be clear for me! 

It is then from this clarity that I can ring-fence my values, priorities and goals. Let’s take a practical example. Someone invites you for a meal/event, and your initial intention is to have a family evening with loved ones. You struggle to say no. Your response could be “Thank you for your generosity, and I would love to. Just not tonight as we have a family dinner planned.Let’s make a plan for another time.” It’s not an excuse. It’s also not saying no. It’s saying yes to you and your family! 

Brene Brown says that “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others” and Lydia Hall says that .”Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden. I would like to add that daring to set boundaries is about saying yes to me, it’s about staying true to myself and my values. It’s from that place of integrity (wholeness) that we can impact the world and change from 

defensiveness to protection, 

from confusion to clarity, 

resentment to love (for ourselves and others). 

So defend fiercely and with infinite compassion, my friends. 

Stressed? How does stress affect your performance – or…

Stress – an emotional word that conjures up all sorts of physical sensations in the body – tension, contraction, heart racing – you get the picture? It is safe to say that we have ALL experienced stress in some way – perhaps even since the moment of birth!

However, what is stress? Is it always bad? Can it be managed?

Read more “Stressed? How does stress affect your performance – or not?” →

Introductory Mindfulness Based Course – for stress and healthier…

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness, is a way of being present, on purpose, and without judgement. It is training in attention, to the observation of self, with an attitude of kindness and compassion. It teaches us how to be in a different relationship with our thoughts, without trying to change anything.

Read more “Introductory Mindfulness Based Course – for stress and healthier living” →

DAY 2 How do we access our choice-fulness?

Yesterday we explored the automaticity that we all live in, the absence. And looked at “presence” as a choice..

Lets start today with a practice. For a minute, just tune into your breathing – feel your inbreath and your out breath. The sensations that accompany the breath, where you feel the breath most vividly. Don’t change the breath, just notice the breath with detail noticing of the sensations that accompany your breath…

Read more “DAY 2 How do we access our choice-fulness?” →

Exploring Mindfulness together.. DAY one.. Choice

Last week, I had the opportunity to give a talk on mindfulness. I would like to share some of this with you, and perhaps go on a reflective journey together? So, over the next few days, you will see a series of posts that relate generally, to mindfulness and then a more specific exploration of some of the attitudes that are embedded in this way of being..HOW to BE in the world.

Read more “Exploring Mindfulness together.. DAY one.. Choice” →